Dear Blog,
Today is the worst. I am moping so hard, I'm sulking. It must be the heat, this kinda heat makes the blood boil. My blood could poach an egg right now. Also, I'm starving. (Thank you Rose for throwing out my chips for no reason, that was so kind of you, I guess it's your way of saying I'm a fat ass). Also I'm being exiled from my own home because I smoke. I dont smoke in the house, and now I'm not allowed to smoke on the porch either. Lord send me a friend. Team tri-force seems to be crumbling due to petty arguments & lack of fun. Still have no money and owe several heaps of dollars to several people. Our neighbors are super a-holes who throw cardboard down the stairs against our door and apparently have started a fight club upstairs, because every five minutes it sounds as though someone will come crashing through our ceiling. Time for wine.
Fondly,
Goolie
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
redneck
Dear Blog,
I have very sensitive neck skin. Two days ago I vacationed to our sunny sister state, RI. I spent the day at the beach, and that goddamned sun of ours burned my neck very badly. (I know, global warming, right?) It looks like someone tried to strangle me with an oven mitt covered in sandpaper. I hope it departs my skin soon, it is hurtful. Any idears with how to make it go away?
Signed,
Rednecked Goolie
I have very sensitive neck skin. Two days ago I vacationed to our sunny sister state, RI. I spent the day at the beach, and that goddamned sun of ours burned my neck very badly. (I know, global warming, right?) It looks like someone tried to strangle me with an oven mitt covered in sandpaper. I hope it departs my skin soon, it is hurtful. Any idears with how to make it go away?
Signed,
Rednecked Goolie
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Q and A
Dear Lady Goolie,
When is it appropriate to hit on a colleague? What if you have never spoken? What if they are not particularly attractive, but their behavior indicates that they hate your face?
Signed, Lolling in Love
Dear LiL,
Relationships in the workplace are trouble with a capital T that rhymes with P that stands for phooey. Understand? Also if they hate your face AND they're unattractive then you are barking up the wrong tree my dear. Who is this anyway? And how did you find my blog? Are you the guy that sits in the very back corner of the office?????
EWWWW LEAVE ME ALONE!
Sincerely,
Lady Goolie
When is it appropriate to hit on a colleague? What if you have never spoken? What if they are not particularly attractive, but their behavior indicates that they hate your face?
Signed, Lolling in Love
Dear LiL,
Relationships in the workplace are trouble with a capital T that rhymes with P that stands for phooey. Understand? Also if they hate your face AND they're unattractive then you are barking up the wrong tree my dear. Who is this anyway? And how did you find my blog? Are you the guy that sits in the very back corner of the office?????
EWWWW LEAVE ME ALONE!
Sincerely,
Lady Goolie
Friday, June 27, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
movietime
Dear Blog,
I am torn. I am torn between what movie to rent at redbox tonight. Beowulf or Rent? On one hand Beowulf is a hot and sexy wolfman, but he is a little self-conscious and that is so not hot. Rent is looking to be this summer's hottest flick, although it's a little sing-songy. I do love action films though. What do you think blog? I wish you would answer me. What am I going to do? I could pick up another package of betty crocker instant cookies mix, maybe I wont burn them this time. I hate my life.
Woefully yours,
Goolie
I am torn. I am torn between what movie to rent at redbox tonight. Beowulf or Rent? On one hand Beowulf is a hot and sexy wolfman, but he is a little self-conscious and that is so not hot. Rent is looking to be this summer's hottest flick, although it's a little sing-songy. I do love action films though. What do you think blog? I wish you would answer me. What am I going to do? I could pick up another package of betty crocker instant cookies mix, maybe I wont burn them this time. I hate my life.
Woefully yours,
Goolie
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.
I painted this for my mom and my sister stole it from her.
I do not <3 robots
Robots lost in the desert, the woods, the sky, etc. Just some mixed media shizzz.
Dear Lady Goolie,
Literally the only thing I think about is myself. I look at the popsicle ladies and wonder, "What if I were in a popsicle suit? And melted?" Then I pause, and look into the mirror. Any advice?
Signed, Confused/Befuddled/Bewitched by my own countenance.
PS I ate the last string cheese.
Dear CBBBMOC,
I understand your problem. I too, only think about myself and my blog. The thought of wearing a popsicle suit has also crossed my mind several times in the past few days. But worry not my friend, keep on keeping on and stop looking in the mirror. I suggest you break all the mirrors you own, take those shards of broken mirror and make a tiffany style lamp with them. Light up your life. Also stop eating string cheese it is terrible for your digestive tract. And they're mine, I bought them and I have no money and I hate you.
Good Luck,
Goolie
Literally the only thing I think about is myself. I look at the popsicle ladies and wonder, "What if I were in a popsicle suit? And melted?" Then I pause, and look into the mirror. Any advice?
Signed, Confused/Befuddled/Bewitched by my own countenance.
PS I ate the last string cheese.
Dear CBBBMOC,
I understand your problem. I too, only think about myself and my blog. The thought of wearing a popsicle suit has also crossed my mind several times in the past few days. But worry not my friend, keep on keeping on and stop looking in the mirror. I suggest you break all the mirrors you own, take those shards of broken mirror and make a tiffany style lamp with them. Light up your life. Also stop eating string cheese it is terrible for your digestive tract. And they're mine, I bought them and I have no money and I hate you.
Good Luck,
Goolie
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
popsicle ladies
An Illustration I did for the Phoenix Summer Preview cover. They didn't use it though.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Dear Blog,
Today I am filled with shame and pain. Last night I thought I made a friend. This so-called "friend" promised to take me to the Celtics game with him tonight. Imagine my excitement! I was filled with glee, so much glee it made me have to pee. Or maybe it was all the beer. Anywhooo... later in the night he told me I couldn't go, for reasons still unknown to me. Of course this upset me greatly. Filled me with a rage unknown to my friends or fellow bar patrons. So I did the only thing I could think to do. I asked the bartender for a glass of water, carried it over to the evil man-child, and dumped it on his khaki-ed lap. This of course caused great commotion and I was immediately corralled out the door. But I went silently and obediently. Won't be going back there too soon.
peace, love and understanding,
GOOLIE
Today I am filled with shame and pain. Last night I thought I made a friend. This so-called "friend" promised to take me to the Celtics game with him tonight. Imagine my excitement! I was filled with glee, so much glee it made me have to pee. Or maybe it was all the beer. Anywhooo... later in the night he told me I couldn't go, for reasons still unknown to me. Of course this upset me greatly. Filled me with a rage unknown to my friends or fellow bar patrons. So I did the only thing I could think to do. I asked the bartender for a glass of water, carried it over to the evil man-child, and dumped it on his khaki-ed lap. This of course caused great commotion and I was immediately corralled out the door. But I went silently and obediently. Won't be going back there too soon.
peace, love and understanding,
GOOLIE
Q & A
Dear Goolie,
Sometimes when you sleep you emit noxious odors. Yet you still have a significant other. What advice do you have for little old me?
Signed,
Looking 4 Luv
Dear L4L,
It is true, I do have a bit of a gas in the bed problem. But I believe that my freedom of expression and ability to be comfortable around my partner helps our relationship. What happens to a flame when gas is poured on it? It becomes bigger and brighter.
My advice to you is to be yourself, and in the words of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young: "Let your freak flag fly!"
Sincerely,
GOOLIE
Dear Goolie,
Sometimes when you sleep you emit noxious odors. Yet you still have a significant other. What advice do you have for little old me?
Signed,
Looking 4 Luv
Dear L4L,
It is true, I do have a bit of a gas in the bed problem. But I believe that my freedom of expression and ability to be comfortable around my partner helps our relationship. What happens to a flame when gas is poured on it? It becomes bigger and brighter.
My advice to you is to be yourself, and in the words of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young: "Let your freak flag fly!"
Sincerely,
GOOLIE
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Q and A
AND NOW FOR SOME Q & A:
Dear Lady Goolie,
I came across your blog the other day at work. You strike me as a fake and a phony. Are you real? If so, I'd like to take you out for a milkshake sometime. Email me back at.... (sorry can't publish that).
Sincerely,
RU2good2Btrue?
Dear RU...,
I am true, and I am 2-good-2-B-4-gotten. But I'm going to have to say no to your request. Here are the reasons:
A. I don't hang with the employed.
B. You're a peeper.
C. Is for cookie and that's good enough for me.
D. I'm lactose intolerant.
Other than that I'd be totally up for it.
Sincerely,
GOOLS
Dear Lady Goolie,
I came across your blog the other day at work. You strike me as a fake and a phony. Are you real? If so, I'd like to take you out for a milkshake sometime. Email me back at.... (sorry can't publish that).
Sincerely,
RU2good2Btrue?
Dear RU...,
I am true, and I am 2-good-2-B-4-gotten. But I'm going to have to say no to your request. Here are the reasons:
A. I don't hang with the employed.
B. You're a peeper.
C. Is for cookie and that's good enough for me.
D. I'm lactose intolerant.
Other than that I'd be totally up for it.
Sincerely,
GOOLS
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Rejection
Dear Blog,
Exciting Happenings! Yesterday was my day of Jury Duty. After hopefully awaiting a decision from "Her Honor" for about 5 and a half hours, I was rejected. :( It was still pretty kewl though. I wonder why I was rejected... maybe it was my uncontrollable gas outbursts in the courtroom. My dishonest mug, or my thinning hair? Who knows. I cant wait till 3 years from now when I get another chance... I don't know if I could handle another rejection like that. My room smells like Rose's feet. (FYI that is not a good thing) OK well I need to blowdry my hair now. Time to make the money to buy the bacon to bring home to eat. I'll talk to you later, blog.
BYE,
GOOLIE
P.S. Summer Jam '08: "Low" - FloRida ft. T-Pain
Exciting Happenings! Yesterday was my day of Jury Duty. After hopefully awaiting a decision from "Her Honor" for about 5 and a half hours, I was rejected. :( It was still pretty kewl though. I wonder why I was rejected... maybe it was my uncontrollable gas outbursts in the courtroom. My dishonest mug, or my thinning hair? Who knows. I cant wait till 3 years from now when I get another chance... I don't know if I could handle another rejection like that. My room smells like Rose's feet. (FYI that is not a good thing) OK well I need to blowdry my hair now. Time to make the money to buy the bacon to bring home to eat. I'll talk to you later, blog.
BYE,
GOOLIE
P.S. Summer Jam '08: "Low" - FloRida ft. T-Pain
Monday, June 2, 2008
Dear Blog and Blog readers,
I am broke. I went to the coinstar machine today to cash in my pennies but they sadly only amounted to $3.04. Any suggestions? My first thought was to off myself, but I'm sure I can come up with money somehow. Turn tricks you say? Oh I've been down that road and it sure stinks. Literally the smells that I smelled.... well I let you figure it out for yourself. Ok dear readers that's all for now, feel free to comment with some suggestions on how to improve myself. Oh and how to get money.
Love,
GOOLIE
I am broke. I went to the coinstar machine today to cash in my pennies but they sadly only amounted to $3.04. Any suggestions? My first thought was to off myself, but I'm sure I can come up with money somehow. Turn tricks you say? Oh I've been down that road and it sure stinks. Literally the smells that I smelled.... well I let you figure it out for yourself. Ok dear readers that's all for now, feel free to comment with some suggestions on how to improve myself. Oh and how to get money.
Love,
GOOLIE
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