Thursday, July 31, 2008

Dear Lady Goolie,
I almost caused a power outrage the other night when I told my friends that the Talking Heads annoyed the sheet out of me. Also dislike John Lennon for personal reasons. My friends blacklisted me like a Commie Red. Can I salvage my rep? I tend to hang with skinny-fat longhairs. Should I cut my losses?

Dear Commie,

Expressing your personal voice is important among friends and frenemies. If they can't understand that then drop em like its hot. A hot potato. You can't pretend to be mr. potato head and let people change you around. I'd say leave em' out to dry like instant mashed potatoes. Especially the fatties.

Lady Goolie

Thursday, July 24, 2008


Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Dear Lady Goolie,

I spend the majority of my time in the workplace cruising the internet and chatting with my no-good friends. I need this job, you see, because I am saving to start a family. How much is too much to spend on lunch each day? How excited is too excited to be for lunch each day? Can you recommend any good books or television shows?


Frequently Anticipating Tuna And Swiss Sandwiches


There's nothing wrong with taking a vacation from the trials and tribulations of the modern workplace to slide around the world wide web. However, your behavior sounds slightly manic. First, ask yourself, are you really doing what you want to be doing professionally? Are you happy with your job? If so, stop monkeying around, someone might catch on and decide you're not working to your full potential. When it comes to lunch, I firmly believe that money is well spent on good food. It's something that no one should skimp on. I do not buy store brand groceries and I'm not ashamed of that. I have a collection of assorted fancy cheeses. I think and plan very carefully the meals I eat all day, It's most of what I think about. However I don't always have the cash for that. IDEA: Go to your favorite savory snack place and pretend you're waiting for someone, simultaneously take trips to the bathroom with pockets lined with napkins scoring scraps of foodies along the way. Eat in stall. Once you are full, leaving shrugging shoulders, stuffed and satisfied for free! Learn it, live it, loves it.
As for the book/television suggestions I have two words for you (for each category): Harlequin Romance, and Muppet Babies. That is all.

Lady Goolie

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Dear Blog,

Today is the worst. I am moping so hard, I'm sulking. It must be the heat, this kinda heat makes the blood boil. My blood could poach an egg right now. Also, I'm starving. (Thank you Rose for throwing out my chips for no reason, that was so kind of you, I guess it's your way of saying I'm a fat ass). Also I'm being exiled from my own home because I smoke. I dont smoke in the house, and now I'm not allowed to smoke on the porch either. Lord send me a friend. Team tri-force seems to be crumbling due to petty arguments & lack of fun. Still have no money and owe several heaps of dollars to several people. Our neighbors are super a-holes who throw cardboard down the stairs against our door and apparently have started a fight club upstairs, because every five minutes it sounds as though someone will come crashing through our ceiling. Time for wine.


Tuesday, July 15, 2008

ON THE REAL: I made a new world wide website:


Dear Blog,

I have very sensitive neck skin. Two days ago I vacationed to our sunny sister state, RI. I spent the day at the beach, and that goddamned sun of ours burned my neck very badly. (I know, global warming, right?) It looks like someone tried to strangle me with an oven mitt covered in sandpaper. I hope it departs my skin soon, it is hurtful. Any idears with how to make it go away?

Rednecked Goolie

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Q and A

Dear Lady Goolie,

When is it appropriate to hit on a colleague? What if you have never spoken? What if they are not particularly attractive, but their behavior indicates that they hate your face?

Signed, Lolling in Love

Dear LiL,

Relationships in the workplace are trouble with a capital T that rhymes with P that stands for phooey. Understand? Also if they hate your face AND they're unattractive then you are barking up the wrong tree my dear. Who is this anyway? And how did you find my blog? Are you the guy that sits in the very back corner of the office?????

Lady Goolie