Monday, September 29, 2008

Dear Blog,
They say the good thing about music is that when it hits you, you feel no pain. NOT TRUE. Yesterday Rose flung a B52's cd at me to pop in the stereo and it sliced my forehead open. What's more, apparently spiders had been nesting in my forehead and they fell out of the gaping wound. Then they proceeded to bite my feet. Then I shot Rose in the arm with a pellet gun. Now we're even.

Lady Goolie

Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Voyeurism of Goolie Lyon

Dear Blog,

In regards to my last post I have started a diet. In fact all I've eaten today is a bowl of healthy fiberlicious cereal. Right now my stomach is grumbling embarrassingly loudly but I must fight it. In other news, I am a super creepy peeper in the park. Yesterday I had nothing on my docket so I walked to boston commons and sat in the grass behind a bench and drew everyone that sat down on it. Is my creeperism comparable to that of John Sloan? It's not that I enjoy doing it, I'm just really bad at drawing the human figure and I need practice. Perhaps I should advertise for models on craigssshhhlist. Bad Idea you say? You will be raped and pillaged and killed you say? Ok i guess I believe you. Gotta get back to work now, I'm really working for the weekend, and takin care of business in every way.


Monday, August 18, 2008

Pizza Predicament

Dear Blog,

I am rapidly gaining lbs. As hard as I try I cannot stay away from pizza pies. Always in my eyes... pizza is everywhere in this city! Every corner I turn, the sweet, savory, smell of cheeses fills my nose holes. Cheese pizza, peeperoni pizza, buff chick pizza... duck pizza, these are a few of my favorite things. How do I kick the habit? Must I simply kick the bucket before my love of 'za also dies? I have an idea. I will eat 2 whole pizzas till I have a yak attack and then I'll be turned off forever. Problem solved.


Thursday, July 31, 2008

Dear Lady Goolie,
I almost caused a power outrage the other night when I told my friends that the Talking Heads annoyed the sheet out of me. Also dislike John Lennon for personal reasons. My friends blacklisted me like a Commie Red. Can I salvage my rep? I tend to hang with skinny-fat longhairs. Should I cut my losses?

Dear Commie,

Expressing your personal voice is important among friends and frenemies. If they can't understand that then drop em like its hot. A hot potato. You can't pretend to be mr. potato head and let people change you around. I'd say leave em' out to dry like instant mashed potatoes. Especially the fatties.

Lady Goolie

Thursday, July 24, 2008


Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Dear Lady Goolie,

I spend the majority of my time in the workplace cruising the internet and chatting with my no-good friends. I need this job, you see, because I am saving to start a family. How much is too much to spend on lunch each day? How excited is too excited to be for lunch each day? Can you recommend any good books or television shows?


Frequently Anticipating Tuna And Swiss Sandwiches


There's nothing wrong with taking a vacation from the trials and tribulations of the modern workplace to slide around the world wide web. However, your behavior sounds slightly manic. First, ask yourself, are you really doing what you want to be doing professionally? Are you happy with your job? If so, stop monkeying around, someone might catch on and decide you're not working to your full potential. When it comes to lunch, I firmly believe that money is well spent on good food. It's something that no one should skimp on. I do not buy store brand groceries and I'm not ashamed of that. I have a collection of assorted fancy cheeses. I think and plan very carefully the meals I eat all day, It's most of what I think about. However I don't always have the cash for that. IDEA: Go to your favorite savory snack place and pretend you're waiting for someone, simultaneously take trips to the bathroom with pockets lined with napkins scoring scraps of foodies along the way. Eat in stall. Once you are full, leaving shrugging shoulders, stuffed and satisfied for free! Learn it, live it, loves it.
As for the book/television suggestions I have two words for you (for each category): Harlequin Romance, and Muppet Babies. That is all.

Lady Goolie

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Dear Blog,

Today is the worst. I am moping so hard, I'm sulking. It must be the heat, this kinda heat makes the blood boil. My blood could poach an egg right now. Also, I'm starving. (Thank you Rose for throwing out my chips for no reason, that was so kind of you, I guess it's your way of saying I'm a fat ass). Also I'm being exiled from my own home because I smoke. I dont smoke in the house, and now I'm not allowed to smoke on the porch either. Lord send me a friend. Team tri-force seems to be crumbling due to petty arguments & lack of fun. Still have no money and owe several heaps of dollars to several people. Our neighbors are super a-holes who throw cardboard down the stairs against our door and apparently have started a fight club upstairs, because every five minutes it sounds as though someone will come crashing through our ceiling. Time for wine.


Tuesday, July 15, 2008

ON THE REAL: I made a new world wide website:


Dear Blog,

I have very sensitive neck skin. Two days ago I vacationed to our sunny sister state, RI. I spent the day at the beach, and that goddamned sun of ours burned my neck very badly. (I know, global warming, right?) It looks like someone tried to strangle me with an oven mitt covered in sandpaper. I hope it departs my skin soon, it is hurtful. Any idears with how to make it go away?

Rednecked Goolie

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Q and A

Dear Lady Goolie,

When is it appropriate to hit on a colleague? What if you have never spoken? What if they are not particularly attractive, but their behavior indicates that they hate your face?

Signed, Lolling in Love

Dear LiL,

Relationships in the workplace are trouble with a capital T that rhymes with P that stands for phooey. Understand? Also if they hate your face AND they're unattractive then you are barking up the wrong tree my dear. Who is this anyway? And how did you find my blog? Are you the guy that sits in the very back corner of the office?????

Lady Goolie

Friday, June 27, 2008

creepy peepers

Oh sleek bananacondas...

Thursday, June 26, 2008


Dear Blog,

I am torn. I am torn between what movie to rent at redbox tonight. Beowulf or Rent? On one hand Beowulf is a hot and sexy wolfman, but he is a little self-conscious and that is so not hot. Rent is looking to be this summer's hottest flick, although it's a little sing-songy. I do love action films though. What do you think blog? I wish you would answer me. What am I going to do? I could pick up another package of betty crocker instant cookies mix, maybe I wont burn them this time. I hate my life.

Woefully yours,

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.

I painted this for my mom and my sister stole it from her.

I do not <3 robots

Robots lost in the desert, the woods, the sky, etc. Just some mixed media shizzz.

Bears, Bikes

Another Cover I did for the PHX but they didn't end up using.

Some old swirly paintings.


Painting for my super creepy children's book.
Dear Lady Goolie,

Literally the only thing I think about is myself. I look at the popsicle ladies and wonder, "What if I were in a popsicle suit? And melted?" Then I pause, and look into the mirror. Any advice?

Signed, Confused/Befuddled/Bewitched by my own countenance.

PS I ate the last string cheese.


I understand your problem. I too, only think about myself and my blog. The thought of wearing a popsicle suit has also crossed my mind several times in the past few days. But worry not my friend, keep on keeping on and stop looking in the mirror. I suggest you break all the mirrors you own, take those shards of broken mirror and make a tiffany style lamp with them. Light up your life. Also stop eating string cheese it is terrible for your digestive tract. And they're mine, I bought them and I have no money and I hate you.

Good Luck,

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

popsicle ladies

An Illustration I did for the Phoenix Summer Preview cover. They didn't use it though.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008



Dear Blog,

Today I am filled with shame and pain. Last night I thought I made a friend. This so-called "friend" promised to take me to the Celtics game with him tonight. Imagine my excitement! I was filled with glee, so much glee it made me have to pee. Or maybe it was all the beer. Anywhooo... later in the night he told me I couldn't go, for reasons still unknown to me. Of course this upset me greatly. Filled me with a rage unknown to my friends or fellow bar patrons. So I did the only thing I could think to do. I asked the bartender for a glass of water, carried it over to the evil man-child, and dumped it on his khaki-ed lap. This of course caused great commotion and I was immediately corralled out the door. But I went silently and obediently. Won't be going back there too soon.

peace, love and understanding,
Q & A

Dear Goolie,

Sometimes when you sleep you emit noxious odors. Yet you still have a significant other. What advice do you have for little old me?

Looking 4 Luv

Dear L4L,

It is true, I do have a bit of a gas in the bed problem. But I believe that my freedom of expression and ability to be comfortable around my partner helps our relationship. What happens to a flame when gas is poured on it? It becomes bigger and brighter.

My advice to you is to be yourself, and in the words of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young: "Let your freak flag fly!"


Saturday, June 7, 2008

Q and A


Dear Lady Goolie,

I came across your blog the other day at work. You strike me as a fake and a phony. Are you real? If so, I'd like to take you out for a milkshake sometime. Email me back at.... (sorry can't publish that).


Dear RU...,

I am true, and I am 2-good-2-B-4-gotten. But I'm going to have to say no to your request. Here are the reasons:

A. I don't hang with the employed.
B. You're a peeper.
C. Is for cookie and that's good enough for me.
D. I'm lactose intolerant.

Other than that I'd be totally up for it.


Thursday, June 5, 2008


Dear Blog,

Exciting Happenings! Yesterday was my day of Jury Duty. After hopefully awaiting a decision from "Her Honor" for about 5 and a half hours, I was rejected. :( It was still pretty kewl though. I wonder why I was rejected... maybe it was my uncontrollable gas outbursts in the courtroom. My dishonest mug, or my thinning hair? Who knows. I cant wait till 3 years from now when I get another chance... I don't know if I could handle another rejection like that. My room smells like Rose's feet. (FYI that is
not a good thing) OK well I need to blowdry my hair now. Time to make the money to buy the bacon to bring home to eat. I'll talk to you later, blog.


P.S. Summer Jam '08: "Low" - FloRida ft. T-Pain

Monday, June 2, 2008

Dear Blog and Blog readers,

I am broke. I went to the coinstar machine today to cash in my pennies but they sadly only amounted to $3.04. Any suggestions? My first thought was to off myself, but I'm sure I can come up with money somehow. Turn tricks you say? Oh I've been down that road and it sure stinks. Literally the smells that I smelled.... well I let you figure it out for yourself. Ok dear readers that's all for now, feel free to comment with some suggestions on how to improve myself. Oh and how to get money.



Dear Readers,

If anyone out there is listening and an inventor by profession I'd like to speak with you. I'm working on a new product called the "compu-friend". It came to me one night when I was blog blog blogging all night and I was putting so much out there, and I just wanted something in return, from my computer. Perhaps a giggle, some words of encouragement, a pep talk? A smile? I'd like my computer screen to smile once in a while. Mostly I just needed a friend. So now its up to you young inventors to carry on my project, you don't even need to credit me for it, I'd just like to see it done.

Farewell, and Good Luck.


I hate meself

Dear Blog,

Last night I threw chunks over the side of my bed. After I thoroughly cleaned my room all day. Isn't it ironic? Well I cleaned it up of course. But now I'm realizing that I may have missed a spot or two. I am a dirty, sloppy person. I hate my self, my face and most of all my unforgiving stomach. Also I like Caitlin better than Rose. She's on the top of my list. If Rose would stop stealing my food and my quarters, she might be higher on the list. Also I would like to thank all of my fans out there, I blog for you and I blog for the whoever might be listening. Today is not the greatest day of my life, nor will tomorrow be.


Saturday, May 31, 2008

Dear Blog,

I've recently been browsing the Food/bev/hosp section of craigslist, in order to aquire a third job to pay my debts. I came across a posting for CPK (California Pizza Kitchen). It reminded me of the best salad that has every graced my piehole. For some reason the next time I went it was removed from the menu. WTF??? "Goolie's Limited Time Only Salad" should have been it's title. It's all I think about now, for the past five minutes. I hate them.

Love, (and hate for CPK)

You have to face things to change things.

To look younger, you have to first admit you look older, as I read on a fellow blogger's blogspace. I am starting a cycling regimen!

Weight Problems

Dear Blog,

I wish I wasn't so thin, I'm worried about how I'll survive the winter. No matter how much I eat I can't seem to keep it on. Maybe my roommates will have some advice for me.

My roomie just walked up the stairs very heavily. One of these days shes gonna break a foot.


I did kill this though. New addition to my study. Like the red? I just painted it.


Just for sport. Didn't catch anything though, because I didn't have any bait, just a hook.

What a day...

Today I was awoken by smell of crackling bacon. Then I went to the store. Then I played a game with my friend. Then I made a blog. Then I'm writing this.

Hello and welcome to my blog. This is my first time. This is me. Sorry about the blurriness, but I'd like to keep my identity safe, thank you.